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| Taken at 7:07 a.m. on November 30, 2013. Exactly six days from the moment she was born. A little gift from our angel. |
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunrise November 30
Friday, November 29, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving
Dear Bella,
You know that you've been on my mind since I woke up this morning. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the sky through my bedroom window. It was that perfect moment just before the sun rises over the hill and the horizon is a beautiful mix of purple, orange and grey. I believe that was a little gift from you to me. Later in the morning, snowflakes fell--just enough to collect in small patches in the grass. We were not expecting any snow. Caroline giggled when I suggested that her little sister must have planned it as a surprise just for her!
Today, we're celebrating Thanksgiving with our little family at home. Because we knew that you would be arriving this week, I made mashed potatoes, two pumpkin pies, and applesauce from scratch ahead of time. We roasted a BIG turkey and made stuffing. Your sister said the prayer and included thanks for her sister Bella. This was the first time that I've eaten much of anything since you were born. Dinner was delicious, but you were missed. For months, I looked forward to this exact meal and had a clear picture in my mind of what our day would be like. Your Dada would hold you while I'd quickly eat and then we'd trade places. One of us would hover over the table bouncing you to keep you happy or you'd nurse while I struggled to eat with my one free hand. Your Dada thought you'd be an easy baby. I thought you'd be grumpy like your sister! But you were not there. At the end of the meal, your sister sat in front of the television and I chatted with your Dada about how much we miss you. I glanced at my phone and pulled up the photo of your sweet little baby feet. It took my breath away.
Tonight, we'll prepare for our "North Pole Breakfast" and decide where your sister's elf should be placed for his arrival to our house this year. The Christmas tree is up and all of our decorations are on display. This makes the day even harder for me. Last year, your sister was very ill and had three hospitalizations and two emergency surgeries. She was so sick that there was a time that we weren't sure if she'd survive. As I look around the house, I see the photo of her sitting on Santa's lap and I remember that it was taken the night before she became ill. I see decorations that last year had been pulled down and collected into a shopping bag so that I could display them in her hospital room for Christmas morning. I see an ornament on the tree that we bought together at the hospital's gift shop when she was feeling well enough to push her IV pole down the hallway for a long walk. It all brings back that panicky feeling of worry that something could go horribly wrong. And then there's the reality that everything DID go horribly wrong with you.
I knew that this would be a challenging day, but I decided this morning that I was going to do my best to focus on my blessings. Losing you is an overwhelming, crushing pain. But I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so thankful that I had a chance to know you when you were full of life. I loved feeling your little hands and feet kicking and moving. I loved how you were always so active while we were at church. I loved seeing you dancing around on the ultrasounds--especially the last one when you were sticking your tongue out and putting your fingers in your mouth. You made me laugh so much the ultrasound tech couldn't get a clear image of you! I'm thankful that you were my little running buddy for all those months. I felt like we were in it together and you showed me how tough I can be. I'm thankful for the chance to have given birth to you. There is nothing more empowering as a woman and a mommy. And although you were already gone, I'm thankful that I had that one afternoon with you. To witness your baptism, to dress you in your "going home" outfit, to know what it feels like to drift off to sleep with you snuggled on my chest. I'll never forget how lucky I am that I know what it felt like to kiss your chunky cheeks and feel your soft, sweet newborn hair against my face. If it was meant to be that you would become an angel, I'm incredibly grateful that you were at least with us long enough that we have these special memories of you.
I'm also thankful for your sister and your Dada. Your sister is the most amazing person I've ever met. She makes me laugh and smile and makes this beautiful, awful, confusing life more than worth living. She is so smart, such an amazing little artist, has such a big heart and will surely have a crazy sense of humor like your Dada. It has been such a blessing to watch her grow into a "big girl" over the past five years. And as for your Dada--you're lucky to have the best one in the world. And I mean that! I've never met a man so invested in his daughters. He is silly, fun, loving and above all, sees raising children as the most important thing he can do in his life. Part of the reason that he's an amazing father is that he would have shown you a great example of the type of man a girl is very lucky to marry. He loves to spend quality time with your sister, but also does more than his fair share of the parenting. Giving baths, reading bedtime stories, helping your sister remember to do her chores, taking her to the grocery store with him to give your Mama a break, spending his evenings drawing mermaids and making Lego and building block creations. I couldn't ask for a better husband and partner. I'm one of those girls that got to marry their dream guy. I'm so lucky to be head over heels in love with your Dada and I know that he feels the same about me. He treats me like a princess. He respects me, listens to me, takes care of me, puts my needs ahead of his and always makes me laugh and keeps life interesting. He is my best friend. I have no doubt that by the time you'd become a young woman, the bar would have been set really high for all those guys that would have been hoping for a chance to catch your eye! And through the past few days since we lost you, he has been such a source of strength for me and I can feel that our bond is only getting stronger as we go through this together. Although the pain of your absence will surely never leave my heart, I can't ever forget how fortunate I am to be spending my life with these two perfect, wonderful people.
I miss you so much sweet girl. I can't wait to see what surprises you have in store for us in the future to let us know you're with us!
Love you so much,
Mama
Dear Bella,
You know that you've been on my mind since I woke up this morning. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the sky through my bedroom window. It was that perfect moment just before the sun rises over the hill and the horizon is a beautiful mix of purple, orange and grey. I believe that was a little gift from you to me. Later in the morning, snowflakes fell--just enough to collect in small patches in the grass. We were not expecting any snow. Caroline giggled when I suggested that her little sister must have planned it as a surprise just for her!
Today, we're celebrating Thanksgiving with our little family at home. Because we knew that you would be arriving this week, I made mashed potatoes, two pumpkin pies, and applesauce from scratch ahead of time. We roasted a BIG turkey and made stuffing. Your sister said the prayer and included thanks for her sister Bella. This was the first time that I've eaten much of anything since you were born. Dinner was delicious, but you were missed. For months, I looked forward to this exact meal and had a clear picture in my mind of what our day would be like. Your Dada would hold you while I'd quickly eat and then we'd trade places. One of us would hover over the table bouncing you to keep you happy or you'd nurse while I struggled to eat with my one free hand. Your Dada thought you'd be an easy baby. I thought you'd be grumpy like your sister! But you were not there. At the end of the meal, your sister sat in front of the television and I chatted with your Dada about how much we miss you. I glanced at my phone and pulled up the photo of your sweet little baby feet. It took my breath away.
Tonight, we'll prepare for our "North Pole Breakfast" and decide where your sister's elf should be placed for his arrival to our house this year. The Christmas tree is up and all of our decorations are on display. This makes the day even harder for me. Last year, your sister was very ill and had three hospitalizations and two emergency surgeries. She was so sick that there was a time that we weren't sure if she'd survive. As I look around the house, I see the photo of her sitting on Santa's lap and I remember that it was taken the night before she became ill. I see decorations that last year had been pulled down and collected into a shopping bag so that I could display them in her hospital room for Christmas morning. I see an ornament on the tree that we bought together at the hospital's gift shop when she was feeling well enough to push her IV pole down the hallway for a long walk. It all brings back that panicky feeling of worry that something could go horribly wrong. And then there's the reality that everything DID go horribly wrong with you.
I knew that this would be a challenging day, but I decided this morning that I was going to do my best to focus on my blessings. Losing you is an overwhelming, crushing pain. But I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so thankful that I had a chance to know you when you were full of life. I loved feeling your little hands and feet kicking and moving. I loved how you were always so active while we were at church. I loved seeing you dancing around on the ultrasounds--especially the last one when you were sticking your tongue out and putting your fingers in your mouth. You made me laugh so much the ultrasound tech couldn't get a clear image of you! I'm thankful that you were my little running buddy for all those months. I felt like we were in it together and you showed me how tough I can be. I'm thankful for the chance to have given birth to you. There is nothing more empowering as a woman and a mommy. And although you were already gone, I'm thankful that I had that one afternoon with you. To witness your baptism, to dress you in your "going home" outfit, to know what it feels like to drift off to sleep with you snuggled on my chest. I'll never forget how lucky I am that I know what it felt like to kiss your chunky cheeks and feel your soft, sweet newborn hair against my face. If it was meant to be that you would become an angel, I'm incredibly grateful that you were at least with us long enough that we have these special memories of you.
I'm also thankful for your sister and your Dada. Your sister is the most amazing person I've ever met. She makes me laugh and smile and makes this beautiful, awful, confusing life more than worth living. She is so smart, such an amazing little artist, has such a big heart and will surely have a crazy sense of humor like your Dada. It has been such a blessing to watch her grow into a "big girl" over the past five years. And as for your Dada--you're lucky to have the best one in the world. And I mean that! I've never met a man so invested in his daughters. He is silly, fun, loving and above all, sees raising children as the most important thing he can do in his life. Part of the reason that he's an amazing father is that he would have shown you a great example of the type of man a girl is very lucky to marry. He loves to spend quality time with your sister, but also does more than his fair share of the parenting. Giving baths, reading bedtime stories, helping your sister remember to do her chores, taking her to the grocery store with him to give your Mama a break, spending his evenings drawing mermaids and making Lego and building block creations. I couldn't ask for a better husband and partner. I'm one of those girls that got to marry their dream guy. I'm so lucky to be head over heels in love with your Dada and I know that he feels the same about me. He treats me like a princess. He respects me, listens to me, takes care of me, puts my needs ahead of his and always makes me laugh and keeps life interesting. He is my best friend. I have no doubt that by the time you'd become a young woman, the bar would have been set really high for all those guys that would have been hoping for a chance to catch your eye! And through the past few days since we lost you, he has been such a source of strength for me and I can feel that our bond is only getting stronger as we go through this together. Although the pain of your absence will surely never leave my heart, I can't ever forget how fortunate I am to be spending my life with these two perfect, wonderful people.
I miss you so much sweet girl. I can't wait to see what surprises you have in store for us in the future to let us know you're with us!
Love you so much,
Mama
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
This Is A Love Story
Bella, I cannot tell you how proud and thankful I am to be your father. You are so perfect, innocent, and
beautiful. When I look at you, I am
reminded of why I must set out every day to leave this world better than I
found it. All of your potential and
silent aspirations bring glory to the Divine spark that breathes life into our
earthly bodies. When I look at your
slumbering countenance, my soul knows with immutable conviction that sheer
chance did not bring us together. You
are my proof that I must fight courageously for the good in this world.
I know that you are just as proud of your mother as I am. She took such attentive care of you in the
womb and prepared to welcome you into the family with such loving detail. You were a gift four years in the making, and
despite heartbreaking setbacks, your mother never lost the courage and strength
to keep trying to bring you into this world.
She willingly gave birth to you without an epidural, knowing that the
pain in childbirth would forge a coveted bond of strength between you. Her love for you is the type that only exists
between mother and child.
And your big sister could not be more in love with you! All of the plans that she has for you would
fill up a thousand lifetimes. You are to
be the best of friends forever—and ever and ever.
She has set aside all of her clothes and toys that are too small for her
(and perhaps a few that she simply no longer cares for) in order to give them
to you. She has dedicated a swing to you
on the playground. She has insisted that
your changing table and bassinet will remain in her room. After all, you are sisters. She even decorated your diapers, fearing that
the generic patterns that we chose would be too plain for your tastes. While you were in your momma’s tummy, she
gave you a giant hug and a kiss every night saying, “Goodnight baby Bella. I love you!”
Our Lord and Savior’s love for you resounds in the miracle of your
birth. I still remember our first ultrasound—no
heartbeat. “Don’t worry,” the doctor said.
“Let’s give it another week. We will know for sure in a week.” After a week and no sign of life, I let doubt
overcome my hope. I departed for a military
training exercise laden with guilt for leaving Brittany alone to deal with the immanence
of yet another miscarriage. When I got a
phone call several days later announcing your budding life and spirit, I fell
to my knees and thanked God with tears in my eyes!
Bella, thank you so much for coming into this world and becoming a part of
our family! Thank you for the
unimaginable blessings that you have brought to our family! Thank you for your proof of God’s unending
love for us! There is no joy like the
joy of a new baby. Thank you for
bringing this joy to us!
We would have liked to spend a long lifetime together instead of a short
one. Your sister would have loved to
lead you through all of your milestones, proudly watching her little sister
grow into a young woman, following a few steps behind her big sis. Your mother would have loved to nurse you and
hold you and snuggle you up for the coming winter days. She would have loved to get you ready for
your first day at school and your first prom.
I would have loved to help you learn to ride a bike and build the
perfect pillow fort. Several decades
down the road, it would have been an insurmountable honor to walk you down the
aisle and to give your hand away to the luckiest man on earth. There are so many plans that we had for us,
but we know that this never was our plan unfolding.
When the dust settles on the tangible pain that we feel in your absence, we
know that we will sing with joy that this is, was, and forever will be a love
story.
We love you with every ounce of our strength. We will see you again, dear Bella Joy! Until then, rest easy in the loving arms of Our Father.
Bella Joy
It's been three days since Bella was born and I'm finally getting up the courage to start working on preserving what memories we have of her. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to share with friends and family on Facebook, which has been our lifeline with the rest of the world. After sharing a few photos, I realized that I want to share EVERYTHING about her. She is real and the memory of her will always be present in our family. Our five-year-old daughter Caroline is grieving right along with us, but she is also struggling to understand why and how this happened and where her baby sister is now. I want her to know every detail there is to know about Bella that we can share with her. This is unfortunately a part of our lives now. Caroline will always be a big sister to an angel in Heaven. I will always be a mother who lost a child. It is what it is. Follow along with us if you like.
Bella Joy. I want to share that this was not supposed to be her name. Caroline started calling the baby "Bella" when we found out that her new sibling would be a girl. And it stuck. Whenever we talked about the baby, we referred to her as "Baby Bella". Greg and I had not decided on a name for the baby other than the fact that she would NOT be named Bella. (Sorry Caroline!) We had a few names we really liked and decided to wait until we met her to choose the name that best fit her personality. Since we never met her in life, it seemed wrong to call her anything but "Bella". And now that I think of it, this probably makes the most sense to Caroline. She doesn't know that we were going to choose a different name and I'm excited about how, one day in the future, she will realize that she was the one to name her sister. It's perfect.
Brittany
Bella Joy. I want to share that this was not supposed to be her name. Caroline started calling the baby "Bella" when we found out that her new sibling would be a girl. And it stuck. Whenever we talked about the baby, we referred to her as "Baby Bella". Greg and I had not decided on a name for the baby other than the fact that she would NOT be named Bella. (Sorry Caroline!) We had a few names we really liked and decided to wait until we met her to choose the name that best fit her personality. Since we never met her in life, it seemed wrong to call her anything but "Bella". And now that I think of it, this probably makes the most sense to Caroline. She doesn't know that we were going to choose a different name and I'm excited about how, one day in the future, she will realize that she was the one to name her sister. It's perfect.
Brittany
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