I have loved this season for how close it makes me feel to you. Of
course, that same closeness has also made the season heavy. I’ll try and
lighten it with story.
I was brewing some coffee the other morning when your sister said
to me, “Dada, we are really lucky that we had a baby that died.” She presented
this as a maxim that needed no further explanation or investigation.
Still, I pressed—as half-witted parents often do when presented
with the seamless logic of their offspring. “Oh, really?” I inquired. “Why do
you think that’s true?”
“Well because we have Bella in Heaven,” she expounded. “Not every
family has a baby that is an angel in Heaven.”
I told her that she was right, and that I was proud of her for
loving you so much even though you aren’t with us on earth. I also told her
that even though I felt lucky to be the father of a little girl in Heaven, I’d
rather have you here with us on earth. Caroline conceded that she felt the
same.
And that’s the part that is heavy. It’s tough to think about all of
the firsts that we missed. It’s tough to think about the giggles that you won’t
make and the steps that you won’t take. What would you have been like in
school? Who would you have married? Despite a five year age gap, would you and
Caroline have been best friends?
I know that we will see you again and I know that, on that day, all
of this grief will seem inconsequential. But in the moment, there are sometimes
when it feels so heavy that it’s hard to breathe. In those times, I try to
remind myself that we grow through our trials. I will be a better person for
having the privilege of being your father, Bella.
I love you and miss you so much!
Love,
Dad
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